What are Social Groups?
Families are often told that ‘social skills’ programs or groups will help their autistic child. Programs like Social Thinking®, PEERS®, or structured social groups can sound promising, but they don’t always fit every child’s needs. When designed thoughtfully and led by neurodiversity-affirming providers, social skills groups can be an encouraging place for children to connect, practice, and feel less alone.
This guide explains how these approaches can help, where they may backfire, and what to look for if you’re considering social supports for your child.
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What Is Social Thinking®?
Social Thinking was designed to support children who have difficulty with:
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Understanding that others have thoughts and feelings different from their own.
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Recognizing unspoken “hidden rules” of social interaction.
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Using flexible problem-solving in conversations and group situations.
It often involves structured teaching, visuals, and language systems (such as “expected vs. unexpected behavior”) to help children make sense of interactions.
What Is PDA?
PDA (Persistent Drive for Autonomy) isn’t a separate diagnosis in the U.S., but rather a profile within autism that highlights how strongly a child experiences demands as pressure.
Children with PDA:
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Experience everyday demands (even fun ones) as overwhelming.
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Feel a strong need for control and autonomy in relationships.
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May use avoidance, humor, distraction, or shutdowns to cope with pressure.
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Thrive best in flexible, collaborative environments where safety and trust come first.
Where Social Thinking and PDA Overlap
Helpful Areas
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Perspective-taking: PDA children may want friendships but misinterpret cues. Social Thinking can give language to make sense of others’ perspectives.
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Hidden rules: Clear explanations of routines or expectations can reduce confusion.
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Flexible thinking: Exploring “different ways people might act” supports problem-solving.
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Language for reflection: Can help children process social moments after the fact.
For some children, this structured teaching offers exactly the kind of clarity and predictability that helps them feel more confident in social situations.
Potential Problems
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Demands feel threatening: Structured lessons, worksheets, or role-plays may trigger avoidance.
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Compliance framing: “Expected/unexpected” can feel judgmental and increase resistance.
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Timing issues: PDA kids need regulation and trust first; mid-crisis teaching won’t work.
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Masking risks: If framed as “fitting in,” it can encourage children to hide who they are.
The Double Empathy Problem
Traditionally, autistic people were seen as having a “deficit” in social communication. But autistic researcher Damian Milton (2012) reframed this idea into what is now called the double empathy problem.
What It Means
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Communication is two-sided. Autistic people and non-autistic people both bring unique perspectives, communication styles, and ways of interpreting the world.
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Misunderstandings happen both ways. Autistic children may miss neurotypical social cues, but neurotypical peers also often misinterpret autistic communication (for example, direct honesty or body language differences).
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It’s not a deficit — it’s a mismatch. The difficulty comes from differences in style, not because one side is “wrong.”
Why This Matters for Social Thinking and Social Groups
Many traditional social skills programs, including Social Thinking®, assume:
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Neurotypical communication is the “right” way.
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Autistic children need to be taught to mask or imitate those norms.
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Success is measured by how “normal” a child looks.
Through a double empathy lens, this approach misses the point. True connection happens when both sides learn to understand each other.
For PDA kids, the mismatch is even more intense. Compliance-based language can feel threatening, leading to shutdowns or avoidance.
Example
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Traditional view: “Your child doesn’t make enough eye contact. They need to practice looking at people’s eyes.”
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Double empathy view: “Some people show interest with eye contact, while others find it uncomfortable. Let’s help your child recognize that difference and teach peers to understand their comfort zone.”
In other words, connection is a two-way street — both autistic and non-autistic people may need support to understand each other.
For Autistic Children in General
Where Social Thinking Helps
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Many autistic children appreciate having social rules made visible instead of left unspoken.
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Breaking down steps (“How to join a group,” “How to read tone of voice”) can reduce confusion.
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Exploring different perspectives can build empathy both ways — when done with curiosity, not correction.
Where It Can Hurt
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If used to push masking (hiding differences to “fit in”), Social Thinking can cause shame and burnout.
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Labels like “expected/unexpected” may feel judgmental.
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It can unintentionally teach that the neurotypical way is the only valid way.
The key is not whether a program is ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ but whether it’s adapted in a way that honors the child’s communication style, supports regulation first, and fosters authentic connection
Social Groups for Autistic and PDA Children
How They Can Help
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Making the invisible visible: Explains hidden social rules directly.
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Practice in a safe space: Groups can feel easier than recess or lunchroom chaos.
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Peer connection: Meeting other neurodivergent kids reduces isolation. For many children, this is the most powerful benefit — realizing they are not alone and that others share similar experiences
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Shared reflection: Gives children language to process what happened socially.
Where They Can Go Wrong
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Compliance focus: Groups that focus on acting ‘normal’ can unintentionally encourage masking and lead to shame
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One-sided burden: Only autistic kids are asked to adapt, not peers.
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Mismatch for PDA: Structured drills or forced practice trigger avoidance.
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Grouping challenges: Kids with very different needs may feel frustrated.
What to Look For in a Social Group
When evaluating a social group, ask:
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Is it neurodiversity-affirming? Do facilitators celebrate differences rather than correct them?
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Is autonomy respected? Can children choose whether/how to participate?
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Is there flexibility? Does the leader adjust based on energy, regulation, and interests?
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Is peer education included? Do non-autistic children also learn to understand autistic communication?
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Is it fun? Play, humor, and joy should be central.
Alternatives to Traditional Social Groups
Everyday community settings, like art classes, robotics clubs, or theater groups, can sometimes provide more natural social growth than structured groups. You may consider:
Interest-based clubs (Lego, chess, art, coding, D&D, sports).
Parent–child coaching to scaffold everyday social experiences.
Peer mentoring with slightly older neurodivergent role models.
Play-based therapy groups focused on co-regulation, sensory play, and natural connection.
Traditional vs. Affirming Approaches
Traditional Social Skills Approach
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Focus on “fixing deficits” in the autistic child.
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Uses labels like “expected/unexpected,” “appropriate/inappropriate.”
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Child is expected to mask or imitate neurotypical norms.
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Structured lessons, drills, or worksheets.
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Participation is mandatory.
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Progress measured by compliance with norms.
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One-sided: autistic child adapts to neurotypical peers.
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Can increase masking, shame, and burnout.
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Often overwhelming for PDA kids.
Affirming / Double-Empathy Approach
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Focus on building mutual understanding between autistic and non-autistic people.
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Uses neutral terms like “different styles,” “works/doesn’t work,” “comfortable/uncomfortable.”
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Child is supported to communicate authentically, while peers/adults also learn to adapt.
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Play, storytelling, shared interests, and real-life reflection.
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Children have choice and autonomy.
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Progress measured by comfort, connection, and authentic relationships.
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Two-sided: peers, teachers, and families learn to understand autistic communication.
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Builds self-acceptance, safety, and authentic friendship.
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Especially helpful for PDA kids when adapted to be flexible, playful, and autonomy-affirming.
Parent Takeaway
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Social Thinking® and social groups can help when they are adapted to your child’s needs and framed around mutual understanding.
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The double empathy problem reminds us that communication breakdowns are two-sided — your child is not broken and their way of communicating is valid.
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Affirming social opportunities emphasize joy, autonomy, and authentic connection over compliance.
For autistic and PDA children, the most effective social supports:
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Build connection before correction
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Encourage curiosity instead of compliance
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Foster collaboration instead of control
Your child’s communication style is valid. The goal is not to erase differences, but to give them tools — and help the world around them learn to connect more fully, too.
Social groups are not one-size-fits-all. The most helpful ones are flexible, joyful, and affirming — where kids feel safe to show up as themselves while also learning about others.